Don’t Take It Personally: A Therapist’s (and Recovering People Pleaser) Perspective
Have you ever caught yourself unsettled after a seemingly innocent comment, internalizing it and spiraling? You're far from alone- and most importantly, you're not broken. From my vantage point as a therapist, and someone who has done a lot of work on myself when it comes to not taking everything so personal, I know internalizing every comment and interaction, and taking them personally is often less about what's happening to you or what you did, and more about what's happening within you. Let's talk about why, and how to stop taking every little thing so personally.
Understanding Why We Take Things Personally
Low Self-esteem and Negative Self Talk
When someone has low self-esteem or a loud inner critic voice it’s easy to internalize the external environment and interactions to match their already negative thoughts and beliefs about themselves. When it comes to low self-esteem specifically, personalizing an interaction through a critical lens can feel like a sense of guidance on how to “be better” in almost a constructive criticism type of way.Negative Core Beliefs and Unprocessed Wounds
As we know and constantly talk about in session, past experiences and wounds shape how someone interacts and perceives their environments. For example, if someone has an unhealed wound or a negative core belief (NCB) such as: “I’m never good enough”, they use that NCB as a lens to interpret their world and interactions with others. From a CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) model, our automatic thoughts or beliefs trigger emotional responses and behaviors- such as personalizing everything (AKA taking things personally). Something like someone's tone in a conversation becomes, in their mind, a loaded judgment of their worth. This confirms the NCB, "I'm never good enough,” even if it wasn’t intended that way.Threat Response & the Emotional Trigger of Abandonment
Similar to conscious or subconscious NCBs, often if someone has an abandonment wound or sensitivity to rejection they might find themselves taking things personally. By internalizing others' responses to them, they believe, “If I change this, I won’t get abandoned again”. Something during their developmental years heightened their sensitivity to others behaviors, moods, emotions, and created a fear of abandonment.Physiological Factors
I’ll keep this one short and to the point. If you’re tired, hungry, or stressed you’re just going to be more prone to taking things personally. So get a nap, go to bed early, and get a snack. You might just feel better in the morning and have more clarity to depersonalize things and stay regulated.
Three Therapist-Backed Strategies to Cultivate Emotional Resilience and Stop Taking Things Personally
Acknowledge What's Happening
Label it and start to feel it. This is where we just experience it and get to know our automatic responses. We dive into our somatic and physical sensations of our responses to get to know them. To some, internalizing might feel like a flushed face, increased heart rate, or a fight or flight response. While for others personalization might feel like anxiety, shame, embarrassment, resentment, feeling misunderstood, or anger. There’s no wrong reaction here, it’s just information or cues about our experiences.
Explore it
Without judgment, just ask yourself “Where is this coming from?” or “Why would this make sense?” We use our response or “cues” from above, to acknowledge we are taking things personally again, and then investigate what’s fueling that response.
Create Space: From Reacting to Responding
In therapy, we talk about building a pause between the interaction, emotional response, and our reactions. That means resisting the urge to immediately respond out of emotions and instead pause. After the pause we get to explore which reaction would be better aligned with our values instead of acting out of defense. That’s a topic I'll save for another blog.
A Simple Step-by-Step Practice
Notice the Trigger – “They didn’t reply. I feel rejected.”
Identify the Interpretation – “I annoyed them and they must be mad at me.”
Dispute the Automatic Thought – “They were probably caught up at work.”
Respond with Intention – Either let it go or gently reach out: “Hey, just checking in—hope everything’s okay.”
Over time, this practice strengthens your ability to choose your emotional response rather than be at its mercy.
When It’s Okay to Reclaim Control
Sometimes, a comment stings for a reason—and that’s valid. If you’re still bothered about it days later, it might be worth reflecting on:
Is there a boundary crossed?
Do you need to clarify something?
Esther Perel, a psychotherapist in the field, emphasizes relational authenticity. If something feels off, you can gently ask for clarity—not confrontationally, but curiously.
Final Thoughts
Taking things personally isn’t a flaw, it’s a signal that invites introspection, exploration, and emotional regulation. You can’t control how others act, but you absolutely can work on how you interpret your world and respond. With self-awareness, self-compassion, and perspective, you build resilience. And with resilience, that comment, tone, or social slight can lose its power- while you stay centered and stop taking things so dang personal.
Written by: Carlyn Timp, LCPC